Dave and Chuck the Freak

(Photo by Andrew Wong/Getty Images)

Before starting morning radio, I was a night owl. This lifestyle meant that eventually every night, at some point… I would brainlessly watch an infomercial. In the world of infomercials, there are many hosts and products that can provide a hearty laugh. Of course there’s Vince and the world of the Slap-Chop. There’s good ole Ron and his company Ronco with his various kitchen products. There is one infomercial however that rises above the rest to become the greatest infomercial of all time.

Of course I’m talking about Jack LaLanne and his power juicer. Pronounced La Lain. (necessary for a later joke.) Now, Jack is the most powerful senior citizen of all time. Not only did he tow 70 boats, with 70 people shackled and handcuffed, but he also sings… has super strength and even after all that has the energy to bang his wife, Elaine LaLanne. Yes, her name is Elaine LaLanne. Where does he get his powers? Juice. That’s right… fresh juice has turned Jack LaLanne from just a man into a literal god with the strength of 25 Poseidon’s. Aside from Jack being a superhero… this infomercial introduces us to the every day people that could benefit from juicing.

There’s Warren. A car salesman and bachelor who needs his energy to go out at night and find himself a lady. Thanks to juicing, you know he’s f**king. And who can’t relate to Barbara the magician. Wielding the might of the mystic arts can really take it out of ya and of course you will need to replenish your nutrients when you f**k with magic.

I don’t know how to argue with this infomercial. You can literally juice an entire cactus and then get right to towing boats Houdini style just like Jack. But you will never EVER have his angelic voice. That’s all him, the juice had nothing to do with it. Jack left our planet in 2011 but you can still feel his strength in every glass of juice you have.