Dave and Chuck the Freak

We are lucky now. So lucky. We live in a time when the superhero movies we have are made with the technological know-how to actually be faithful to the material. It wasn’t always like this. No, things used to be much worse for our greatest heroes. Here are 5 incredibly bad attempts to bring superheroes to the big screen.

  • Captain America (1990)

    Captain America. The comic book superhero that actually punched Hitler in the face. Most everyone recognizes Chris Evans as the famous American champion… but there used to be this guy. I wonder if he’s enraged by today’s superhero movie landscape.

  • The Punisher (1989)

    There was a time when movie executives got a script and the first thing they said was “Get me Dolph Lundgren!” He was He-Man, a Universal Soldier and of course they chose him for the role of The Punisher in this terrible movie. It’s not as bad as the Captain America movie, but there is a scene where The Punisher chooses to sit naked in a sewer to contemplate his revenge… and that seems to be very unsanitary, he could become ill from all the sewage and how then would he be able to do all his revenge? HOW?!

  • Dr. Strange (1978)

    Dr. Strange is a really cool character. Sorcery, I mean that s**t is so cool. Now of course computers and special effects are able to allow this character to do all his sorcery stuff AND look cool doing it. In the 1970’s all they had was cocaine and big dreams. This movie has enough bizarre outfits and mustaches to qualify as a 70’s porno without the sex.

  • Captain America (1979)

    They must’ve had just enough cocaine leftover from the Dr. Strange movie to green light this embarrassment. Poor Captain America was pretty much reduced to a motorcycle driving stuntman. I mean even just saying the phrase “Then Captain America does a sweet jump on a mortorcycle!” sounds exactly like something someone in the grips of a coke binge would say.

  • Superman and The Mole Men (1951)

    I’ve never been a fan of Superman. I know he started it all. I understand he’s incredibly powerful. But he’s always just kind of irritated me as a superhero. People have always loved him though, and they were a little too eager to try and bring all his might to a big time movie in 1951. Everyone in this movie seems to talk exactly like 1930’s style gangsters.